A Year

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I remember 
everything, not much, but I remember 
a full color, washed out, blurred out, void
a high volume, white noise, silence
a 70% alcohol, coffee breath 
a sip of water I still tasted
I realize that I only listed four
when there are supposed to be five 
or even six, because I am (you might be) 
a fully functioning psychic, empathic witch 
but I only mentioned four because
six is not a sense, it’s a distance
and five is the number of wands

This time
some were just learning 
some were already in the thick of it
I grieved my own death in advance
discovered a depth of unplumbed rage
as I watched training videos about
PPE I would not receive until December
shame as I remembered that others were at much greater risk, no
don’t tell me that we are heroes
don’t talk sympathetically about 
survivors’ guilt 
and I will not teach you 
the art of forgiveness
not because 
I can’t, or won’t, forgive (give for?)
but rather because 
it is an unspeakable mystery 
an apophatic truth
which as soon as it is said must be

A year ago
I decided, if it was possible,
to live
it was not a passive choice
and every day since I have wished
that everyone else would make that choice
not just for you, but yes, for you)
but I also believe in free will
free within the confines of 
knowledge, daring

I remember 
this time
a year ago


Never forget 

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