I remember everything, not much, but I remember a full color, washed out, blurred out, void a high volume, white noise, silence a 70% alcohol, coffee breath a sip of water I still tasted I realize that I only listed four when there are supposed to be five or even six, because I am (you might be) a fully functioning psychic, empathic witch but I only mentioned four because six is not a sense, it’s a distance and five is the number of wands This time some were just learning some were already in the thick of it I grieved my own death in advance discovered a depth of unplumbed rage as I watched training videos about PPE I would not receive until December shame as I remembered that others were at much greater risk, no don’t tell me that we are heroes don’t talk sympathetically about survivors’ guilt and I will not teach you the art of forgiveness not because I can’t, or won’t, forgive (give for?) but rather because it is an unspeakable mystery an apophatic truth which as soon as it is said must be unsaid A year ago I decided, if it was possible, to live it was not a passive choice and every day since I have wished that everyone else would make that choice (Please not just for you, but yes, for you) but I also believe in free will free within the confines of knowledge, daring I remember this time a year ago Please Never forget
